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　　〃How　can　that　be　if　I've　never　heard　of　it？〃
　　〃The　magnetic　scanner　says　it's　there。　I'm　looking　at　bracketed　numbers　with　little　stars。〃
　　〃Are　you　saying　the　printout　shows　the　first　ambiguous　signs　of　a　barely　perceptible　condition　deriving　from　minimal　acceptable　spillage　exposure？〃
　　Why　was　I　speaking　in　this　stilted　fashion？
　　〃The　magnetic　scanner　is　pretty　clear；〃　he　said。
　　What　had　happened　to　our　tacit　agreement　to　advance　smartly　through　the　program　without　time…consuming　and　controversial　delving？
　　〃What　happens　when　someone　has　traces　of　this　material　in　his　or　her　blood？〃
　　〃They　get　a　nebulous　mass；〃　he　said。
　　〃But　I　thought　no　one　knew　for　sure　what　Nyodene　D。　did　to　humans。　Rats；　yes。〃
　　〃You　just　told　me　you'd　never　heard　of　it。　How　do　you　know　what　it　does　or　doesn't　do？〃
　　He　had　me　there。　I　felt　I'd　been　tricked；　carried　along；　taken　for　a　fool。
　　〃Knowledge　changes　every　day；〃　he　said。　〃We　have　some　conflicting　data　that　says　exposure　to　this　substance　can　definitely　lead　to　a　mass。〃
　　His　confidence　was　soaring。
　　〃Good。　Let's　get　on　to　the　next　topic。　I'm　in　something　of　a　hurry。〃
　　〃This　is　where　I　hand　over　the　sealed　envelope。〃
　　〃Is　exercise　next？　The　answer　is　none。　Hate　it；　refuse　to　do　it。〃
　　〃Good。　I　am　handing　over　the　envelope。〃
　　〃What　is　a　nebulous　mass；　just　out　of　idle　curiosity？〃
　　〃A　possible　growth　in　the　body。〃
　　〃And　it's　called　nebulous　because　you　can't　get　a　clear　picture　of　it。〃
　　〃We　get　very　clear　pictures。　The　imaging　block　takes　the　clearest　pictures　humanly　possible。　It's　called　a　nebulous　mass　because　it　has　no　definite　shape；　form　or　limits。〃
　　〃What　can　it　do　in　terms　of　worst…case　scenario　contingencies？〃
　　〃Cause　a　person　to　die。〃
　　〃Speak　English；　for　God's　sake。　I　despise　this　modern　jargon。〃
　　He　took　insults　well。　The　angrier　I　got；　the　better　he　liked　it。　He　radiated　energy　and　health。
　　〃Now　is　where　I　tell　you　to　pay　in　the　outer　office。〃
　　〃What　about　potassium？　I　came　here　in　the　first　place　because　my　potassium　was　way　above　normal　limits。〃
　　〃We　don't　do　potassium。〃
　　〃Good。〃
　　〃Good。　The　last　thing　I'm　supposed　to　tell　you　is　take　the　envelope　to　your　doctor。　Your　doctor　knows　the　symbols。〃
　　〃So　that's　it　then。　Good。〃
　　〃Good；〃　he　said。
　　I　found　myself　shaking　his　hand　warmly。　Minutes　later　I　was　out　on　the　street。　A　boy　walked　splay…footed　across　a　public　lawn；　nudging　a　soccer　ball　before　him。　A　second　kid　sat　on　the　grass；　taking　off　his　socks　by　grabbing　the　heels　and　yanking。　How　literary；　I　thought　peevishly。　Streets　thick　with　the　details　of　impulsive　life　as　the　hero　ponders　the　latest　phase　in　his　dying。　It　was　a　partially　cloudy　day　with　winds　diminishing　toward　sunset。
　　That　night　I　walked　the　streets　of　Blacksmith。　The　glow　of　blue…eyed　TVs。　The　voices　on　the　touch…tone　phones。　Far　away　the　grandparents　huddle　in　a　chair；　eagerly　sharing　the　receiver　as　carrier　waves　modulate　into　audible　signals。　It　is　the　voice　of　their　grandson；　the　growing　boy　whose　face　appears　in　the　snapshots　set　around　the　phone。　Joy　rushes　to　their　eyes　but　it　is　misted　over；　infused　with　a　sad　and　plex　knowing。　What　is　the　young…　？　ster　saying　to　them？　His　wretched　plexion　makes　him　unhappy？　He　wants　to　leave　school　and　work　full…time　at　Foodland；　bagging　groceries？　He　tells　them　he　likes　to　bag　groceries。　It　is　the　one　thing　in　life　he　finds　satisfying。　Put　the　gallon　jugs　in　first；　square　off　the　six…packs；　double…bag　the　heavy　merch。　He　does　it　well；　he　has　the　knack；　he　sees　the　items　arranged　in　the　bag　before　he　touches　a　thing。　It's　like　Zen；　gramma。　I　snap　out　two　bags；　fit　one　inside　the　other。　Don't　bruise　the　fruit；　watch　the　eggs；　put　the　ice　cream　in　a　freezer　bag。　A　thousand　people　pass　me　every　day　but　no　one　ever　sees　me。　I　like　it；　gramma；　it's　totally　un…threatening；　it's　how　I　want　to　spend　my　life。　And　so　they　listen　sadly；　loving　him　all　the　more；　their　faces　pressed　against　the　sleek　Trimline；　the　white　Princess　in　the　bedroom；　the　plain　brown　Rotary　in　granddad's　paneled　basement　hideaway。　The　old　gentleman　runs　a　hand　through　his　thatch　of　white　hair；　the　woman　holds　her　folded　specs　against　her　face。　Clouds　race　across　the　westering　moon；　the　seasons　change　in　somber　montage；　going　deeper　into　winter　stillness；　a　landscape　of　silence　and　ice。　Your　doctor　knows　the　symbols。
　　37
　　The　long　walk　started　at　noon。　I　didn't　know　it　would　turn　into　a　long　walk。　I　thought　it　would　be　a　miscellaneous　meditation；　Murray　and　Jack；　half　an　hour's　campus　meander。　But　it　became　a　major　afternoon；　a　serious　looping　Socratic　walk；　with　practical　consequences。
　　I　met　Murray　after　his　car　crash　seminar　and　we　wandered　along　the　fringes　of　the　campus；　past　the　cedar…shingled　condominiums　set　in　the　trees　in　their　familiar　defensive　posture—a　cluster　of　dwellings　blending　so　well　with　the　environment　that　birds　kept　flying　into　the　plate…glass　windows。
　　〃You're　smoking　a　pipe；〃　I　said。
　　Murray　smiled　sneakily。
　　〃It　looks　good。　I　like　it。　It　works。〃
　　He　lowered　his　eyes；　smiling。　The　pipe　had　a　long　narrow　stem　and　cubical　bowl。　It　was　pale　brown　and　resembled　a　highly　disciplined　household　implement；　perhaps　an　Amish　or　Shaker　antique。　I　wondered　if　he'd　chosen　it　to　match　his　somewhat　severe　chin　whiskers。　A　tradition　of　stern　virtue　seemed　to　hover　about　his　gestures　and　expressions。
　　〃Why　can't　we　be　intelligent　about　death？〃　I　said。
　　〃It's　obvious。〃
　　〃It　is？〃
　　〃Ivan　Ilyich　screamed　for　three　days。　That's　about　as　intelligent　as　we　get。　Tolstoy　himself　struggled　to　understand。　He　feared　it　terribly。〃
　　〃It's　almost　as　though　our　fear　is　what　brings　it　on。　If　we　could　learn　not　to　be　afraid；　we　could　live　forever。〃
　　〃We　talk　ourselves　into　it。　Is　that　what　you　mean？〃
　　〃I　don't　know　what　I　mean。　I　only　know　I'm　just　going　through　the　motions　of　living。　I'm　technically　dead。　My　body　is　growing　a　nebulous　mass。　They　track　these　things　like　satellites。　All　this　as　a　result　of　a　byproduct　of　insecticide。　There's　something　artificial　about　my　death。　It's　shallow；　unfulfilling。　I　don't　belong　to　the　earth　or　sky。　They　ought　to　carve　an　aerosol　can　on　my　tombstone。〃
　　〃Well　said。〃
　　What　did　he　mean；　well　said？　I　vanted　him　to　argue　with　me；　raise　my　dying　to　a　higher　level；　make　me　feel　better。
　　〃Do　you　think　it's　unfair？〃　he　said。
　　〃Of　course　I　do。　Or　is　that　a　trite　answer？〃
　　He　seemed　to　shrug。
　　〃Look　how　I've　lived。　Has　my　life　been　a　mad　dash　for　pleasure？　Have　I　been　hellbent　on　self…destruction；　using　illegal　drugs；　driving　fast　cars；　drinking　to　excess？　A　little　dry　sherry　at　faculty　parties。　I　eat　bland　foods。〃
　　〃No；　you　don't。〃
　　He　puffed　seriously　on　his　pipe；　his　cheeks　going　hollow。　We　walked　in　silence　for　a　while。
　　〃Do　you　think　your　death　is　premature？〃　he　said。
　　〃Every　death　is　premature。　There's　no　scientific　reason　why　we　can't　live　a　hundred　and　fifty　years。　Some　people　actually　do　it；　according　to　a　headline　I　saw　at　the　supermarket。〃
　　〃Do　you　think　it's　a　sense　of　inpleteness　that　causes　you　the　deepest　regret？　There　are　things　you　still　hope　to　acplish。　Work　to　be　done；　intellectual　challenges　to　be　faced。〃
　　〃The　deepest　regret　is　death。　The　only　thing　to　face　is　death。　This　is　all　I　think　about。　There's　only　one　issue　here。　I　want　to　live。〃
　　〃From　the　Robert　Wise　film　of　the　same　name；　with　Susan　Hayward　as　Barbara　Graham；　a　convicted　murderess。　Aggressive　jazz　score　by　Johnny　Mandel。〃
　　I　looked　at　him。
　　〃So　you're　saying；　Jack；　that　death　would　be　just　as　threatening　even　if　you'd　acplished　all　you'd　ever　hoped　to　acplish　in　your　life　and　work。〃
　　〃Are　you　crazy？　Of　course。　That's　an　elitist　idea。　Would　you　ask　a　man　who　bags　groceries　if　he　fears　death　not　because　it　is　death　but　because　there　are　still　some　interesting　groceries　he　would　like　to　bag？〃
　　〃Well　said。〃
　　〃This　is　death。　I　don't　want　it　to　tarry　awhile　so　I　can　write　a　monograph。　I　want　it　to　go　away　for　seventy　or　eighty　years。〃
　　〃Your　status　as　a　doomed　man　lends　your　words　a　certain　prestige　and　authority。　I　like　that。　As　the　time　nears；　I　think　you'll　f